What Lies Between
by Maxie Kay
Summary: Inspired by the season 3 episode Neighbourhood Watch. Because it can't just end like that, can it? A story in which Deeks and Kensi reflect on recent events, things that were not said and all the things that lie between them. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**What Lies Between**

An NCIS: Los Angeles Fanfiction

by

Maxie Kay

_Inspired by the season 3 episode Neighbourhood Watch._

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**Part I: The Bed's Too Big Without You**

After days of sleeping in newly-purchased pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, it should be a relief for Deeks to be able to revert back to type and slide naked in between the sheets, feeling the familiar comfort of crisp, cool cotton glide against skin. The simple pleasure of sleeping on the right side of the bed, rather than the alien left (which is disconcertingly wrong somehow) should be a welcome return to normality. The absence of petty arguments about whether or not the bedroom door should be left open(his preference) or firmly closed (Kensi's demand, as she has this thing about possible intruders watching her sleep) should definitely be a huge relief. And yet none of these things occur to Deeks tonight, because he is back in his own apartment and all he can think about is that the bed is too big without her. Try as he might, he cannot escape that simple reality and despite the late hour, sleep has never seemed less possible, so Deeks rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, watching the reflection of clouds drifting across the moon, hearing the waves pound relentlessly against the far-distant shore of his mind, like an elegy of what could have been and yet was not, which was pretty much the story of his life, when all was said and done, after all.

Sharing a bed should imply something, he muses, and then idly stretches, so that his arm reaches across the endless empty space. Kensi sleeps like a starfish, he remembers, and in heedless slumber all her pretences and defences are abandoned as she automatically occupies the entire bed, her limbs unconsciously seeking out the maximum amount of space, encroaching far beyond the bounds of what would be deemed decorous, were she awake. And each time her hand or leg encountered a part of him, Kensi would make a small sound of contentment, deep in her throat and Deeks would turn his head and watch as a smile instanted on her face for a brief moment before she would creep nearer towards him, instinctively seeking the succour of his body before curving instinctively around him.

The simple fact is that now the bed is too big without Kensi. Despite the warmth of the night a cold wind blows through the open door and Deeks sighs deeply, knowing it is impossible to sleep with only a memory, the merest hint of what might have been, were the world different. He lies and tries to summon back the memory of her sleepy embrace, but it is like lying in the arms of a ghost.

It would have been so easy to reach out to return that unconscious gesture and slip seamlessly into an effortless embrace, an endless remembrance of all that lay between them, all the unspoken words, where the real meaning lay not in what was said but in the spaces in between the words, each one pregnant with meaning and expectation. Except that is their dilemma, he thinks: it is what lies between them. Distilled down into an essence and put quite simply there is too much space between them now and he does not think that can ever be breached; there are too many barriers that have never been conquered and which must necessarily remain forever inviolate; there are too many things that are only unvoiced memories that jibber in the dark recesses of the soul, mocking at his cowardice, his lack of impetus. He could have done something, could have made it real: only he did nothing.

"You're a fool, Deeks. You had your chance and you blew it."

Nobody is there to contradict this statement. Kensi would have nodded sagely, and then told him she was glad he'd finally achieved self-realisation. Or perhaps she would have remained cocooned in dreams, and merely continued with the small snuffling noises that counterpointed the deep, relaxed breathing that he knows punctuates her sleep. Deeks moves across the mattress and finds that he misses the way Kensi occupies as much of the bed as possible, stretching out like a compass in an attempt to occupy all four points of the mattress simultaneously and wonders if that is what she is doing right now, in her own bed, far away across the city.

It is crazy the way he aches for the familiar presence of her body beside his. Just knowing that she is not there engenders a feeling of dissonance, as if the world has been turned upside down and his guiding star has disappeared, winking out of sight and leaving an empty void . And yet it was so easy to become accustomed to her presence, so terribly easy to be a couple, sharing everything – right down to a bed. He is vaguely aware that nothing is ever going to be the same again and tries to work out if that is a good thing, or if it will continue haunt him. All the times when just one word, one gesture could have made the difference rush forth to mock him, and Deeks rolls over, grabbing a pillow for solace, but it is no good, for it only recollects the sensation of her body and the aroma of soap that is imbedded in the cotton is nothing like the sweet scent of her body, spicy and yet sultry at the same time, tempting him as it weaved around the bed in an intoxicating miasma he had no defence against.

Sleep is elusive, but then Deeks does not want to sleep with her memory, he does not want to dream about what used to be. And yet he knows that is all there is, and the knowledge creeps coldly upon him, chilling in its simplicity: it was a job. They were doing a job, nothing more. There was nothing more than two people assuming roles. Justin and Melissa never existed: they were a fantasy, created for the sole purpose of uncovering a sleeper cell. It was mere co-incidence that the looked exactly like Kensi and Deeks, that was all. It is his private tragedy that the job transmuted across into his alternative reality, the one where he and Kensi actually are a couple and it is his determination that will ensure nobody ever even guesses how he feels.

Deeks prides himself on being able to detach at the end of a mission, to switch off, slough off the stranger's skin he's been inhabiting and pick up the pieces of real life once again, leaving aside any regrets, because what is the point? What is, is – it is that simple. Where is the sense in beating yourself up about the myriad of possibilities opened up by the posing of that age-old question 'what if?', because therein lies madness. Deeks knows this only too well, and he's been down the road where a cover started to leech into his own being, so that for a while it was not quite clear where Max Gentry ended and Marty Deeks began, He is not going back down that road again. And yet the lingering regret will not allow him to shift his mind away from Kensi: she has created a sea change, or perhaps the change is within himself, and she is merely the catalyst? It is not important, he realises, all that matters is that once they lay together and now there is only empty space.

There should be no regrets, because everything worked out perfectly and the situation was resolved successfully. Surely that is what really matters – that a crisis was averted? Deeks tries to convince himself of this, and almost succeeds, until he remembers the way Kensi's hair would wave across the pillows, like fronds of seaweed dancing in the water. And the taste of her invades him without warning, so that once again he relives the way her mouth felt as they kissed, the exact sensation of her lips pressed frantically against his own, the overwhelming arousal as her tongue slipped forward and the taste of wild strawberries, sugar and mint: all these thoughts coming flooding back and the memories nearly unman him. Under other circumstances, that kiss would have been the perfect culmination of what seems like a lifetime of half-uttered confidences that have gradually drawn them together, weaving a web that binds them inexorably together, uniting them in the same way that Kensi would do during the night, gradually wrapping herself around his body. Oh yes, that kiss would have been perfect, if not for the small fact that it was all only a pretence, an occasional dream that will only live in his memory, his cursed memory that will not let him forget.

Until now, Deeks has never regretted living alone, feeling that it suited him. Now he knows that was a foolish deception, and the cognisance is made concrete by the ocean of room in the bed, space that should rightly be occupied by Kensi, were the world beautiful and perfect and just. It isn't, of course. The world throws him a chance to have everything he ever wanted and then it takes it away again. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Deeks has never felt less like blessing the name of the Lord in his entire life. He was coping just fine until this operation, because it was easy to turn off at the end of the day, to slip back into bachelor mode and convince himself that this was the hedonistic, heedless life every man dreams of. Everything has changed now, and he has changed too. With a groan, Deeks realises that nothing can ever be the same again and he wonders how he is going to cope with that.

The rules have changed and all of a sudden Deeks is tired of playing this game. He wonders if he made the biggest mistake of his life, that day he agreed to join NCIS as their LAPD liaison. Of course, there was the small matter that Hetty did not give him much of a choice, but he vaguely considers the possibility of re-running events back in time, of giving her a firm rejection and walking out of the bar into the sunlight a free man. Only it is too late to even contemplate that possibility, too much has happened and he is bound to Kensi as surely as if they were really married. It is almost a shock to realise that he is still wearing the wedding band on the fourth finger of his left hand. Why didn't he take it off, Deeks wonders, and turns the golden circle absently around, rotating it as his mind runs back, remembering how alien it had felt at first. Now it feels like a part of him and he does not want to take it off, because that would be akin to breaking the spell, to admitting everything was just an elaborate game of 'let's pretend' that was never rooted in reality.

In just a few hours Deeks has to go back in to work, to walk into the Mission and see Kensi again and he has to pretend that nothing has happened. He has to forget the past few days: of waking up to find Kensi snuggled up next to him, of seeing her clothes lying strewn across the bedroom floor and the way her toothpaste always ended up smeared across half of the bathroom sink. God help him, because right now he'd give anything to get up and find dirty dishes piled up in the sink and the kitchen full of smoke because she'd burnt the toast again. More than anything, Deeks wants to be able to close his eyes, reach out and find Kensi lying beside him once again, just like it used to be, eyes meeting in the instant before the light is switched off, so that the image of her is seared into his memory, huge dark eyes made mysterious by the possibility of… what? That is the thing that haunts him, along with the way her lips curve into a smile that temps him endlessly, day or night, night and day. It's just the thought of her, you see. The very thought of her that will not leave Deeks, no matter how hard he tries. The thing is that he doesn't want to try to forget her. He just wants her so much there is a physical ache.

"Guess I can't live without you, Kensi."

And the fact is that Deeks realises he no longer wants to live alone, if that means living without Kensi, because it seems pointless. Knowing that she is out there, and he is here alone - somehow that makes things worse. Perhaps it would have been easier if they had never met? At least then he would not know what he was missing. But the thought of not having Kensi in his life is beyond comprehension, and Deeks pushes the mere thought aside impatiently as she invades his mind once again. The truth is that Kensi is always in his thoughts and there is no escape. He is a happy prisoner, caught in her thrall and willingly subjecting himself to the bittersweet memories. While life might have been simpler if they had never met, it would not have been nearly so much fun.

Sugarbear. That was what he'd called her on this job and Kensi had never even enquired at the meaning behind the nickname. It was quite simple: the sweetness he saw with her, and the fierce protectiveness, all wrapped up in the most perfect package. According to Native American beliefs the bear symbolised strength, family, vitality, courage and health and it made the lonely periods of life easier to endure. Well, that was the truth, Deeks thinks. Independent, self-contained and strong-willed, Kensi also embodied the contradictory nature of the bear and somehow made his life more real by the simple fact of her very existence.

As he lies on his back, Deeks tries to reconcile the harsh reality that their closeness was prescribed only by circumstance, rather than by mutual desire, even as an innate longing pulsates through his body, multiplied by a desperate wish to manipulate facts to achieve the desired outcome. Eventually Deeks gives up the struggle to even attempt to deal with this conundrum in a rational fashion, because he knows that he cannot forget the way they once were, the fact that once upon a time they shared a life, a bed and that they slept together. It is not something he can ever forget, nor would he want to.

It would have been so easy to love her, so terribly, terrifyingly easy to love her. It's just that Deeks doesn't do love, he never has, because love means commitment and he avoids that at all costs. For his entire adult life Deeks has embraced his single status and the fact that he is beholden to no-one except himself. It was easier that way, less constricting and the freedom it gave him was akin to euphoria. Until now. Now his past life and attitudes seem immature, and Deeks tries to push aside the thought that by purposefully isolating himself from emotion he was perhaps trying to avoid being hurt again. Well, that worked out well, because now he knows just how much love hurts. It invades your entire body and mind, never letting go its pincer-hold that tears into the essence of your being, consuming everything in its wake. The irony is that this realisation also makes him feel amazing, incredible, like the whole world is just waiting there, fresh and bright, newly sprung and full of possibilities. Love. It's such a small word for such a big thing.

Deeks shudders as he thinks of how he had it all, just waiting for him, had he been brave enough to be honest and simply reach out to Kensi. It is too late now though, that time has gone and forever it must remain in the past, one of a whole pantheon of missed opportunities that seem to punctuate his existence. With a sigh, he concludes ruefully that their one brief moment has gone, disappearing so that only the faintest trace remains, elusive and ephemeral, floating away of its own volition. Soon, even the memory will start to blur and become unreal. If all he has to sleep with is the dreams of what used to be, then Deeks decides that is better than nothing. The fruitless yearning is worth it, because of what once was, even if that was just an illusion, because at the time it felt right to be two people sharing a bed, and a life. Somehow, they fitted together despite all the disparities, which became as nothing when the whole was considered, minor flaws that were swept aside as inconsequential trivia as the coherent unity was finally revealed. However, all but that is cold comfort now, as Deeks stares up sightlessly upwards, seeing only the dark beauty of Kensi's eyes emblazoned forever in his remembrance, always with him, always there, even when she is not. She is long gone now, the moment has passed and now all he can do is to go forward, blundering sightlessly in a world that has grown dark and cold.

It occurs to Deeks that the empty side of the bed is symbolic of the void Kensi has left in his heart. The bed is, quite simply, too big without her and the crushing reality is that it always will be. The memory of her is both a blessing and a curse.

"Bugger, as Hetty would say," Deeks announces to the empty room. "Bugger, bugger, bugger." It doesn't help much, but anything is better than just lying here in bed, missing Kensi so much that it hurts.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews - you make the dark days seem a little bit brighter._

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**Part II: Dreaming My Dreams With You**

It's not supposed to feel like this, Kensi thinks and then tries to push the recalcitrant thought away back into the far recesses of her mind, but it refuses to obey and continues to dance around, creating a myriad of possiblities. Everything was fine until they went undercover as Justin and Melissa, because each day had a finite amount of time that she spent with Deeks, and that was what made it possible to keep her emotions under control. But spending all day, every day with him, that was completely different, so that all her defensive mechanisms were slowly washed away, becoming inconsequential and irrelevant. Living together, even as Justin and Melissa, rather than Kensi and Deeks, had changed everything, so that the entire dynamics of their relationship were thrown into disarray.

Relationship? No, that was wrong because they didn't have a relationship, they had never had a relationship. They were partners, that was all, Kensi tells herself. There was nothing more between them, no matter how much she wished there might be. It had been getting increasingly difficult to maintain the charade of being impervious to his charms, but now she thinks it will be almost impossible. She is so tired of pretending, of having to push her feelings down in denial and having to maintain a charade day in and day out. Being Melissa had been a rare and golden opportunity to actually to behave in the way she wanted to – to be able to touch Deeks, kiss him, sleep in the same bed as him – to live with him. And there had been times when it was so easy to forget they were just acting out roles, and let the fantasy slip over into reality, especially when they were alone. Once or twice, Kensi had let her guard down, had confessed how comfortable she felt with Deeks. The whole set-up was unreal, she knew that, and yet it had seemed so right, like two disparate elements being suddenly juxtaposed, only to reveal the fact that they were in fact the perfect match for one another. But now it is over, and she is back at home in her own apartment, alone again, and feeling hollow inside, as if something has been ripped out, leaving a gaping hole where once there was a warm, reassuring presence. Now there is only nothingness.

"Why does life have to be so complicated?" she cries out in frustration, but there is only the empty room to mock at her question. Until recently, Kensi enjoyed living alone, without anybody pointing the deficiencies in her housework, but it had been so easy to grow accustomed to having someone else around – and more particularly to having Deeks around. Lying bed at night, there would be that moment when they would turn towards one another, say goodnight and then switch out the bedside lights, before lying in silence in that period between sleep and wakefulness, carefully not touching, yet never forgetting that they were only inches apart. It would have been so easy just to reach out to him... only she had not done that. Because of that, now there is nothing and no-one, except the empty darkness. And she misses that. More than that, she misses Deeks.

Kensi sits up and switches on the lamp, then pulls her knees up close to her chest, hugging herself and wondering if she will ever feel warm and whole again. She wonders if Deeks will notice that she took one of his shirts with her, accidentally on purpose. It's the shirt she is wearing now, the white cotton t-shirt he would wear to bed, and wearing it is the next best thing to having Deeks beside her once again. Only it is not enough, it's a poor substitute for the real thing, the flesh and blood man she has slept beside for the past few nights. And it has been so long since she slept with a man, in the sense of actually sleeping. It takes a great deal of trust to fall asleep beside someone, to leave yourself so vulnerable, which is why Kensi usually makes her excuses and leave the bed of a lover to return home in the early hours of the morning. She does not trust men, and more than that, she guards her privacy fiercely. The last man who saw her asleep was Jack, and look at how that worked out. No, the way Kensi sees things, she needs to keep her defences up at all times, because she cannot afford to get hurt again.

There's just one problem: somewhere along the line, Deeks managed to subvert all her careful plans. It wasn't supposed to be like this: she wasn't supposed to miss him so much. He wasn't supposed to creep past all her barricades so stealthily, so she never noticed how integral he was becoming – until it was too late. As she moves restlessly, the thin cotton fabric brushes against her body, like the whisper of a touch, and she can smell Deeks all around her, a curious mixture of sun, sand and salt: the essence of the beach, with just the faintest hint of lemon. Perhaps it is the shampoo he uses? Kensi has to fight back the urge to rush down to the all-night drug store in search of that elusive scent, because that is ridiculous – isn't it?

She looks down at the emptiness beside her and in her mind she can see Deeks lying there, sound asleep, lying on one side so that he is facing her, and with his face relaxed and unguarded. Over the past few days she must have spent hours watching him sleep: it was a sight she could never tire of, so that now it is simple to bring the image back into sharp focus and see Deeks sleeping in the apricot light of early morning, with his hair a tumbled golden storm on the pillow. The picture is so clear that Kensi can see the way he scrunches his nose up, and once again she wonders what he dreams about. She wonders what he is dreaming about now, in his apartment far across the city, where it is just possible to hear the sound of waves crashing onto the shore. It must be peaceful to be lulled to sleep by that noise, she thinks, although sleep is very far from her mind. Tonight she cannot bear the possibility that she too might dream, for in those dreams, when your mind is free to roam wherever it desires, who can tell what unbidden images might spring forth? She does not want to fall asleep and dream that once more she is lying with Deeks, hearing the sound of his regular breathing and pretending that they really are a couple. Kensi has grown accustomed to sharing her slumber and she does not want to start dreaming without Deeks, for fear that he will not inhabit these dreams. Somehow, it would be worse not to dream of Deeks at all, rather than to dream about him and then wake up alone, with the far side of the bed empty and cold.

She has never felt less like sleeping, so Kensi gets up and starts to prowl around her apartment, checking once again that all the doors and windows are securely fastened. She's never felt totally safe at night, when anything might happen. It was night-time when the MPS told her that her father was dead, and the demons that visited had never quite receded from the evening shadows. Her footsteps are soft upon the floor as she pads quietly through each moonlit room, checking once again that she is alone and that the apartment is secure. The first night they spent together in the house, Deeks had watched in amazement as she performed her nightly routine of checking and then double-checking every possible entrance point. After that, he just joined in, accepting her need without question or comment. Kensi knows she can trust Deeks: she has laid her life in his hands more than once and she has also taken his hands and allowed him to pull her to safety. Now he has become her lifeline, although he will never know that. He has become her symbolic hope for the future – a future that is so incredibly normal it almost defies belief. Who would have though Kensi Blye would ever yearn for the white picket fence type of life? And since when did children start to figure in the equation? It's crazy, of course, she tell herself, completely insane. It's just that she and Deeks would make such cute babies, that's all. It means nothing, of course, for it is just an idle daydream, the sort of thoughts that just flit across the unconscious screen of thought, leaving a vague impression, nothing more. It will never happen. Kensi accepts that she is rather less likely to have Deeks' babies than she is to actually bake cookies from scratch and have them turn out edible. But there is a part of her that refuses to let the enticing prospect go completely.

No matter what happens, or more likely does not happen, she thinks, there will always that one thing to bind them: that once upon a time they shared a bed and in doing so they shared their dreams. Going back to her silent, lonely bed has never appeared less inviting. The prospect of dreaming alone is one Kensi dreads. For so long, for far too long if she is entirely truthful with herself, she has lived alone, as a way of protecting her heart. She had thought it broken beyond repair when Jack left, but she recovered and, having done that once, she can do it again. Of course she can. Kensi has already learnt the lesson about how very much love hurts. Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was a complete fool. Either that, or they never knew what it was like to have loved, and not had that love returned. The truth is that not only does Deeks not love her, he has no idea about how she feels. This was just another job to him: nothing more. Right now he is probably out on the town, chatting up some exotic dancer, or a girl with more tattoos than common sense. Deeks isn't looking for love or commitment: he just wants a good time.

"And I could show you such a good time," Kensi thinks and a smile creep across her face as she imagines where she would begin. With a kiss, of course. It always starts with a kiss, but where it finishes, ah that is the question. They have unfinished business, she and Deeks, in the form of a kiss that had barely begun before it was ended. A kiss that started off as a pretence, a convenient subterfuge, only to spiral rapidly into something else altogether. Kensi feels her stomach clench as she remembers that kiss, recalls each disparate sensation that soon swirled together in a heady mix, so that once again she almost forgets to breathe. It was only a kiss, one that had its genesis in adversity, but now it has assumed entirely different proportions. Now it is the kiss by which all others will be forever measured against. A kiss is just a kiss, but Kensi knows that this kiss was different, and she knows that Deeks was not prepared for the passion with which she had kissed him. He'd responded, of course he had – because he was Deeks. It was just an automatic reflex, Kensi is sure of that. That was all it was. There was nothing more to it than that – was there? But regardless of what the kiss had, or had not meant, there was no doubt about one thing: Deeks was one hell of a kisser. Oh God, he could kiss.

And afterwards, as they'd rushed down the driveway, clothed in the velvet darkness of the evening, Deeks had wanted to talk about it. There was something just slightly off-balance about the way he had spoken that had given Kensi's heart hope to leap in her breast for one brief, shining instant. She'd deflected the question, wanting to wait until they were safely back in the house - perhaps even in the bedroom - to talk about it and had quickly invented a story to distract his attention away from the fact that her cheeks were burning brightly. And then the quiet solitude of the night had been ripped apart by fire from automatic weapons that had fractured the moment irreparably. And afterwards, there had been neither time nor space to talk properly, and besides which the moment was gone and could never be recalled. But it had been a great kiss. It makes Kensi wrap her arms around herself as she savours the memory, almost feeling the texture of his hair running between her fingers as she retraces her footsteps back to the bedroom.

Standing in the doorway, she looks at the stream of silver that cascades across the bed as the moon bathes her bedroom in an ethereal light. It is only too easy to recreate the image of Deeks in lying sleeping, one hand cupping his cheek and his nose wrinkling as something disturbs his sleep. And Kensi remembers Deeks said that was what happened when he was happy. What did that mean? Did it mean anything at all? Could it possibly mean that Deeks was happy with her? Kensi shakes her head and decides she is probably reading far too much into one chance remark, because their relationship is punctuated with half-spoken thoughts that never quite develop into fruition, so that it is as if she is perpetually standing upon shifting sands, always uncertain of her footing and never knowing where to go next.

"You're going to drive me mad, Deeks." Her hands are balled into fists, crushing the t-shirt into a crumpled mess between her angry fingers. "Just for once in your life, why can't you say what you mean?"

She can almost see him standing in front of her, head slightly tilted to one side and that smile creeping across his face as a smart remark starts to take shape in his mind. Next time she sees that look, Kensi thinks she will be very tempted to grab hold of her partner and kiss him again, to shut him up, if nothing else. Only that would be giving the game away. She got away with kissing him once, but a second time would be pushing things too far. Besides which, she is not entirely sure that she could stop herself, were she too kiss Deeks once again. Especially if he kissed back, like he'd done before.

"It's over, Kensi," she says, trying to force the fact into her head. And she isn't sure if it had even begun, that was the tragedy. But it is definitely over, she knows that the spell has been broken so that the fantasy dissolved all around her, falling into the ashes of dreams. And she will get over him, because she has no other choice. She will go into work tomorrow and pretend that nothing has happened, that she hasn't just spent the best few days of her life pretending to be married to Deeks, or that the pretence had begun to seep over into fact, pushing against the boundaries so that fiction blurred into real life and there were no longer any sharp delineations. With dreary recognition, Kensi accepts that there is a part of her that will always be Melissa, and that part will always miss Justin, will never be whole without him. She just has to work out how to deal with that, and everything will be fine.

Unconsciously, she runs her thumb and forefinger over the wedding and engagement bands that are still on her wedding finger. The metal is warm, almost as if it is a part of her, and she is accustomed to the way her hand looks with the jewellery in place. It will be a wrench to take them off, and one she secretly dreads, for this will mark the official end of everything, and Kensi doesn't think she's quite ready to let go off the dream yet.

"I didn't ask for this – for any of this."

She'd never wanted to walk into a gym, see Deeks standing there and feel as if someone had punched her in the gut. And she'd certainly not been looking for love, which is precisely why Kensi has fought so hard to suppress her feeling, to deny the sinking realisation that she is in thrall and helpless to fight against the pull he effortlessly exerts. For a long time, Kensi has deliberately not believed in love, but she has thrown that away like a handful of feathers into the wind and now she can watch her good resolutions floating away serenely, impervious of her attempts to pull them back. She's given that away, just as she gave away her passion with the kiss, and the secrets of her heart when she told Deeks how comfortable she felt with him. Too much has been said and done to ever be forgotten, and Kensi thinks this will always lie awkwardly between them, like a jagged rock just below the surface of the sea that entraps hapless mariners and leads them to destruction. Someday she'll get over him, Kensi vows. Not yet though – she's not ready to let go just yet. She still has her dreams, after all.

And yet those dreams are dangerous. It's too late to even attempt to go back and pretend that kiss and those words never happened, she realises, knowing that they betrayed the secrets of her heart. Now she must watch helplessly as all her carefully constructed metaphorical bridges are consumed in fire. All she can do now is to try to go forwards, while treasuring the times she spent alone with Deeks, just two people sharing a bed. Once again Kensi can feel the warmth of his arm as Deeks stretches out to her in his sleep and pulls her into his embrace. Time slips away so that she can feel the soft touch of his beard on the tender skin of her neck as he nuzzles in and kisses her briefly and the pain that flares up in her heart is almost beyond endurance.

The truth is that the room is dark, the bed is cold and empty and Kensi has never felt quite so desolate as she stands in the doorway and comprehends with awful clarity that the dream is over and can never be recaptured.

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_Would you be terribly surprised to know that there is more to come? there is no way the plot bunnies are going to let me leave things like this. Well, actualy evil plot bunny would love that, but he is a horrid wee animal. He bites his toenails, you know. In public._


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm sorry for the long delay in updating this story. Illness has kept me away for far too long, but I promise this will be finished before Christmas._

**Part III: Need You Now**

Coming back to the house is crazy: Deeks knows that only too well, just as he admits there is nothing to be achieved by returning here, absolutely nothing at all. And yet here he is, in the middle of the night, when all around is silent and clothed in blackness. The house is dark and quiet, as if it is complicit in keeping his secrets and the door shuts behind him with a sigh. Deeks walks slowly through the hall, head cocked to one side, as if he can hear the voices of Justin and Melissa once again. Inside his head they echo like a half-forgotten dream you frantically try to recapture upon wakening, knowing all the while that it is flitting further out of reach with each passing second. It is hopeless, because he has left it too late, but something has compelled Deeks to return, something has drawn him back to this house which seems pregnant with the forlorn hopes of yesterday, none of which came to fruition. Besides, this is better than lying in bed, unable to sleep.

He walks upstairs, being careful to avoid the seventh riser, which has a nasty habit of creaking, and at each step, Deeks is surrounded by the past. It is so close that for a moment he imagines he can hear someone moving around in the bedroom. Their bedroom. There are so many memories in this house. So many memories created in such a short time, and there are also so many unfulfilled dreams lying in wait to catch him unawares. He knows that it is over, that the dream has disintegrated and that life will go on, no matter how empty and flat it might seem.

"Life's like that," Deeks thinks. "It builds you up and then it knocks you down again."

The trick is not to show how much you hurt, to keep on smiling and hide all the hurt away deep inside. And anyway, for what it is worth, they had these few days together. He will always be grateful for that, and he will always remember them. Especially those nights, those sweet, gentle nights when what might have been was only a whisper away, dancing with thistledown delicacy on the edges of his mind, as soft as the whisper of Kensi's breath upon his cheek. A shiver runs down Deeks' spine at the recollection, and he shakes his head, as if trying to dislodge the traitorous thoughts that will not let him move on. But they creep up beside him on little silken feet, refusing to let him be , echoing his progress as he climbs the stairs, mocking him with gossamer dreams that are tearing themselves apart.

"It's over," he tells himself and then notices that the bedroom door is ajar. Deeks distinctly remembers shutting it behind him when he and Kensi went out to dinner that evening – was that really just a few short hours ago? So much has happened since then that it scarcely seems possible. He was another man then – he was Justin and he was married to Melissa, who kissed him so sweetly and with such pent-up desire that he had been sure it was a prelude to something deeper. Just how wrong can one man be? No matter; he is here to collect the scattered remnants of his other life, the one that had seemed more real and more important than all the preceding thirty years, even if it had only lasted for a few days.

There is a movement inside the bedroom and that sound sets his senses on high alert. Automatically, Deeks draws his gun and moves quietly forwards. Is it possible the entire cell wasn't captured? Is there someone lying in wait for him? Everything else leaves his mind, only the need to neutralise a potential threat. He moves silently towards the door, thinking only of the possible threat and the need to neutralise it.

* * *

Kensi has no idea why she is back here in the house, or indeed why she felt compelled to come upstairs so that now she is standing staring down at the bed they once shared. It meant nothing, she knows that and keeps telling herself that, in the vain hope that she might come to believe it. All those nights meant nothing. No matter how many times she tells herself that, Kensi's heart replies each time with the same emphatic phrase: it meant everything. She can't stop looking at the dent left in the pillow where Deeks once lay asleep, and if she closes her eyes and lets her mind slip back, Kensi can almost see him lying there once again and hear the soft rhythm of his breathing

"Why couldn't Deeks have the decency to snore?" she wonders. "Or to toss and turn all night long, so that sleeping with him was a complete nightmare? But no, he had to be the perfect gentleman, not even making the slightest move towards mer far less one of the inappropriate comments I've come to expect. And did he have to look so insanely hot in those pyjama pants?"

Kensi reaches down and gently runs her hand over the pillow, and remembers all over again – all those nights when nothing happened and yet which were full of such promise.

She could have done something. More than anything, Kensi wishes she had done something – anything. But that would have ruined everything. Kensi knows that so clearly. She cannot allow herself to have a relationship with her partner, because that would ruin everything. She's not good at relationships and so she would only end up hurting Deeks, tearing them apart and destroying everything they have built up between them - and she can't bear for that to happen. So it is better to suffer the hurt herself, to cherish the pain that is gnawing at her from inside, because that way she doesn't hurt Deeks.

Kensi is well aware of life's ironies and of a cruel pattern that can emerge. Just as Kensi left her mother without a word, so in turn Jack left her just as precipitously. And she's never heard from him since. Jack left her with nothing but silence and a feeling of utter helplessness that she fights against to this day. His only legacy is one of regret for all the time wasted in a relationship that ended without a single word. And while her mother is back in her life, there is so much that they do not talk about, because Kensi knows that she created of is a world of hurt and misunderstanding that can never be undone. Too much time has passed, the ties that once bound them have loosened too far and what once was can never be recaptured. There are too many years that lie between them and mere words can never turn things around. The past is an entirely different place, and the present is inhabited by strangers, who look at one another and wonder why it hurts so much to love someone. Kensi has seen what damage she can do and she is determined not to do the same thing to Deeks.

So there is no choice. Kensi knows that. If she wants to keep Deeks in her life then she has to forget the past week and all that happened and pretend that he is her just partner – and nothing more. She has to hide all the hurt her true feelings – because Deeks matters too much for her ever to risk losing him. There is too much at stake to gamble, just as there is too much that lies between them. But it was fun while it lasted. Such glorious fun that there were times when Kensi allowed herself to forget they were on a mission and just immersed herself in the pretence that they really were a couple, living the good life. At least she has these few days to remember. It's better than nothing, even if memories make cold bedfellows and are no substitute for the real thing –a warm, breathing man, whom she would lie beside, matching the rhythm of her breathing to his own, so that it felt like they were celestial twins, bound together across eternity. That was just an indulgence, one that has to be pushed away, forgotten about – until she was alone this evening, unable to stop thinking about Deeks - just missing him so much and needing him so badly it felt like she was a hollow shell without him. She had lain in bed dreaming about him and all the things that might have been if only, once upon a time when they shared a bed and an entire world, Kensi had simply reached out and touched her partner, had maybe even let him draw her into his arms... It sounds so simple, but that moment has gone, and in its wake a thousand dreams have vanished. Besides which, Kensi has lived long enough to know that dreams do not come true and that life does go on, no matter how much you wish it would all dissolve away into nothingness.

She is still standing there, lost in thought and staring down at the bed when she hears the front door open. Kensi knows she locked the door earlier on, just as she always does, and she jumps as the sound pulls her from her reveries, automatically pulling out her gun. And then she hears the familiar footsteps, engrained in her heart and relaxes. It is him: he has come. Her treacherous heart leaps with joy and her hands trembles just a little. He has come, almost as if pulled by her dreams. She wonders if there is some sort of invisible cord that is pulling them both here, tying them to this house. The footsteps halt outside the half-open door.

"Deeks?" Kensi wonders what the matter is – why he is not coming in, why he is behaving as if he's afraid to come in. This was their house until just a few hours ago. And this was their bedroom. This is the bed they shared, she thinks, looking down at it and wondering if it is too late. Has she been given a second chance?

"Kensi?" It doesn't sound like Deeks, she thinks. Not the Deeks she knows at any rate. Tonight his voice sounds strained, she thinks. As if he doesn't believe it's really her.

"Who else would be here in the middle of the night?" she asks pragmatically.

The door opens and Deeks comes in, with wild eyes and gun pointed firmly forward, as if he's afraid he's walking into a situation he can't handle.

"It's alright. I'm alone." Kensi holsters her own gun and forces a smile onto her face. Deeks has that look on his face: the one that makes her think that she doesn't know him at all. He looks like a stranger –a wild stranger, who might just be capable of anything. She's only seen that look a few times before, when he's been pushed to the limits of endurance, but each time it scares her, because it makes her think that she barely knows him, that there is so much going on inside her partner and that she has barely scratched the surface.

Deeks takes hold of the fraying edges of his temper and wishes his heart would stop thundering like a jackhammer inside his chest. For a moment back there he thought there was a third party in the house, holding Kensi hostage and he was about half a second away from bursting through the door, ready to fire. Only Kensi's voice stopped him at the last minute. It was too close. He could have fired – and he could have shot her. He knows that and it frightens him half to death. It's always been like that - just the thought of something happening to Kensi and Deeks knows that he moves into overdrive. She's too reckless, he thinks, too sure that nothing can ever happen to her.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, shoving his gun back into the waistband of his jeans, well-aware of how aggressive he sounds. He can never tell Kensi how protective he feels towards her.

"I could ask you the same thing," she retorts. His attitude has disconcerted Kensi, wrong-footed her, so that she is automatically put on the defensive.

His head drops and he stares down at his feet. "I couldn't sleep."

Deeks wonders how Kensi would react if he told her truth: that he needs her, needs her now. He came back here for one reason: this is the place where the dream almost slipped over into reality and he wants to relive that for one last time. They came so close, so very close. And yet, looked at objectively, he knows that nothing happened and that nothing is ever going to happen. But it doesn't alter the fact that Deeks knows that he needs Kensi and wants her - now and forever. Or that he knows there is no point in saying anything more, because this was all just a pretence. Kensi feels nothing for him. She only kissed him to avoid blowing their cover. And they only slept in the same bed for the sake of that cover. There was nothing else. Deeks wonders that if he keeps on telling himself that, then maybe he might just begin to believe it in about a hundred years time. The only problem is this still, small voice that comes from somewhere deep inside him and which keeps whispering that there are four other bedrooms in this house and there was no need to ever share a bed. Nobody knew about their sleeping arrangements, after all. That was something they decided upon without any discussion, just a mutual, unspoken agreement. And it felt so good to share a bed with Kensi. It gave him hope that at least some of the walls she erected around herself were finally starting to be dismantled.

"I couldn't sleep either. I guess I'm running on adrenalin." Kensi knows just how it feels to lie in bed and dream of everything that happened – and everything that did not happen and was never going to happen. They are two people who work together, who are forced into extraordinary situations where you have to act on the spur of the moment without thinking. That was all that kiss was – an instant reaction. So why can't she stop thinking about it – or stop thinking about how very much she wants to kiss Deeks all over again?

Deeks wonders how much longer he can stand here without pulling Kensi into his arms and kissing her as she deserves to be kissed – long, deep kisses that go on for so long you forget to breathe. Sweet kisses that set all your nerves tingling in expectation of what is yet to come. Kisses that fill the length and breadth and depth of you with a singular joy and contentment. One kiss is never going to be enough. Casting desperately around for an excuse, Deeks spies his pyjama pants lying on the bed.

"And I forgot my stuff." That is possibly the lamest excuse he's ever come up with, Deeks thinks. Like he's bothered about a pair of pyjama pants he only put on for the sake of decency, preferring to sleep _au naturale_. He's not sure how much longer he can go on with charade. Sooner or later, one of them is going to have to mention that kiss.

"Fine." Kensi hopes he won't notice that she is wearing his t-shirt. But Deeks doesn't seem bothered about his sleep-wear, he is just standing there, looking at her. He is looking at her and Kensi feels as if he can see right into the deepest reaches of her mind. It is unsettling and she wishes he would stop.

"So – we're here, and it's kind of late." And Deeks cannot stop thinking about the fact that the house is still theirs for one more night. One last night. Deeks doesn't want to go home, not when everything he wants is right here and so close. All he has to do is just reach out and… And why is that so difficult? Oh, the answer is so simple – because this is Kensi; gorgeous, funny, alluring, tough-as-nails Kensi, who is so wounded inside. He doesn't want to risk hurting her all over again. If there is one thing worse than someone else hurting Kensi, it is the thought that he could ever hurt her. Deeks will do anything to avoid that.

"It's late and I'm tired. We could just stay here?" And Kensi has the wildest thought – they've come this far. So why not go just a little bit further? That kiss was merely a prelude, and she cannot stop thinking about what it might lead on to. "It's only one night," she adds.

"The world has just turned upside down," she thinks. "Because I think I've just suggested a one-night stand. To Deeks. My Deeks. Am I out of my mind? And what if he says no?"

"We could stay," Deeks says slowly, trying to work out if she is serious. "And nobody would know. Would they?"

He gives her a long look, while his mind runs at a thousand miles an hour. He shouldn't do this: they shouldn't do this. This is completely mad. Things can never be the same if they sleep together – really sleep together. Only that's not the point, because he wants Kensi, wants her more than he has ever wanted her before, although that scarcely seems possible. It's as if the thought of her is consuming him, so that he is powerless. So she's offering him one night when he wants eternity? That's a simple choice between something or nothing. If one night is all they are destined to have, then Deeks knows he will take it, will grab on to the opportunity with both hands and then remember it for the rest of his life. And, in any case, what man in his right mind would ever say "no" to an offer like that? It's just that he realises one night isn't enough. It won't even begin to satisfy his yearning.

"Nobody but us. Partner."

Kensi has no illusions about what she is suggesting, but all she can think of is that she needs him now. If they can have tonight, then there is no need to think about tomorrow, far less forever. Being so close to Deeks is like a drug: she is doing things and saying things that are dangerous, but Kensi is beyond caring. There will be time for sadness and regrets later on. A one-night stand is better than a hundred nights of loneliness.

"There's just one thing." Deeks hates having to say this, but somehow he can't help himself. If they are only going to have this one night, then they need to get one thing clear, so that there are no misunderstandings. "About earlier on," he says hesitantly and then stops, unsure of how to continue.

"What about it?" She has never seen her partner so hesitant. Kensi knows exactly what Deeks is talking about, of course she does, but she isn't going to admit it. She had made the first move with that kiss – and now Deeks is going to have to be the one to talk about it.

"You kissed me." A smile starts to creep across his face as Deeks remembers that kiss.

"And you kissed me right back," Kensi reminds him.

Only there had been a moment when she was the one doing all the kissing. There had been a definite beat while Deeks had done nothing and Kensi had wondered if she had just and ruined everything. Because while she was kissing him, Deeks was just standing there, like a man turned to stone. And then he had kissed her back and in that instant all rational thought was blown away. He had tasted of margueritas and salt-water taffy. Kissing Deeks was like riding a roller-coaster and feeling your stomach flip right over. Of course, that kiss ended almost before it had begun, but it has left her craving more. Kensi wants to pin Deeks up against the wall and kiss him like there is no tomorrow. Or, better still, throw him onto the bed and kiss him till the stars explode.

"So I did." Deeks rubs his chin reflectively. "I remember." He gives her a long, lazy grin. "Oh yes, I remember it well."

Kensi takes a step forward, aware that they are dancing around one another with words and memories. "Just like you remembered what I wore that? The first time we met?" For a minute, she had thought he had forgotten, and her heart had contracted painfully, as if it was some sort of betrayal. Not that there was any reason he should have remembered, of course. None at all. Only he had not forgotten: not one single, solitary detail. It was almost as if the details of that first meeting were etched as permanently onto Deeks' mind as they engraved on her heart.

"How could I forget?"

He moves towards her, closing the distance between them until it does not exist. They are standing as close as it is possible to stand without touching one another, looking directly into one another's eyes and Kensi knows that there is no going back now. It is as if all her life has merely been the precursor to this moment. Whatever will happen depends solely on the next few moments, Kensi thinks. And yet she is unable to say a single word, because she is so afraid of saying the wrong thing, of ruining everything.

"I remembered, Kensi – because I've never been able to forget that day." Deeks holds her gaze fearlessly, even though he knows he is burning all his bridges, that there can be no going back.

"Really?" Kensi reaches out and lets her fingers intertwine with his.

"Really. That was the day everything changed. You blew into my life like a hurricane and I've been doing damage control ever since." He holds onto her hand tightly, feels the presence of the wedding band and that blows away any vestigial remnants of doubt. "It was always you," he confesses.

"You bring out the best in me," Kensi says in an undertone. "And I don't want to lose you." She realises that she is more afraid than she has ever been in her life: frightened that Deeks doesn't feel the same way about her; scared that she's going to ruin everything if they take the next step, but most of all, she's terrified of being without Deeks. There is one thing that overrides her fear and calms her fears the knowledge that this is Deeks, the man who knows her better than any other living person; the man she trusted with her mother's life. Kensi knows she can trust him with her own life, and that it is such a small step to trust him enough to allow herself to love him, and she smiles as the doubts disappear like dewdrops.

Deeks sees her eyes clear, and then sparkle with realisation as Kensi pushes away the last remaining barriers that have lain between them for too long. "You're not going to lose me, Kensi. Not ever. I won't let you." He's come this far, Deeks thinks, and he's in deep – so deep that it feels like he is drowning in her gaze.

Kensi smiles: a smile that is full of infinite promise and Deeks feels as if he's walked right into a live electric current. "Then you'd better hold on tight," she whispers and draws him close, swaying gently and running her hands through his hair.

It is only one night, after all. They both know that. This is a once in a lifetime chance that is never going to be repeated or even spoke about. Tomorrow they will leave this house for the final time shutting the door behind them and locking all the memories away for good. This is just one more night in a series of nights they have spent together. That is all. And yet… this will never be forgotten.

It is time to throw caution to the four winds so that it is carried far away and is time to simply surrender to the night. They move together and finally embrace, holding on tightly as if scared to let go. The kiss that follows sees reason fly away, so that they are literally clinging on to one another, each shaken to the core at the intensity of emotions it draws forth. There are times when it is better not to delve too deeply into all that remains unspoken and just to act on the impulse, trusting in one another and all that lies between you.

The bed is right there, just waiting for them: two people who can scarcely believe they have found one another and are glorying in each single element of the discovery. Life suddenly seems tantalisingly infinite as they slowly begin to explore all that had been so carefully withheld, each coming to a new knowledge. It is just one night, it is nothing more and of course it is inconsequential in the vast scheme of the universe. Yet the memory will ring forward through time as all around is changed irrevocably and beyond recognition.

One night can never be enough if you have so many dreams to build that it will take a lifetime of love to even begin to realise them. But if there is only ever to be one single, solitary night, then you push all doubts aside and seize the opportunity to love like you've never been hurt and thus allow the memories you create to shine forth forever, so that the lighten the darkness and throwing some hope into the complicated equation of life. And in the process you learn what it is to live as though there is heaven on earth, even if it is for just one night.

* * *

_Hmm - evil plot bunny says I should just leave them there. I really should remind him that Santa only leaves presents for good boys..._

_More to come soon!_


	4. Chapter 4

_and here we are - at journey's end...  
In the darkest of times, there is still a faint glimmer of hope._

* * *

**Part IV: Heart of the World.**

It is morning and there is just enough light in the bedroom to clothe everything in the faintest shades of day. It seems like time has stopped completely and that there is no other reality than that encompassed within these four walls, and centred upon this bed. Kensi lets her fingers slip slowly over Deeks' chest, which is highlighted perfectly in the pale pearlescent light that is trickling lazily through a gap in the curtains. She indulges herself completely, savouring the pleasure of tracing each muscle individually with a feather-light touch, exploring his body with a new sense of wonder: for now it feels as if he belongs to her.

Deeks is soundly asleep; there is a smile curving his lips as he lies with one arm around her, and he is holding her so close it seems as if he will never let her go. That suits Kensi perfectly, she can think of nothing more perfect, so she is content to lie in his embrace, to lie with her head cradled into his shoulder and her legs entwined with his. The nearness of him, the physical closeness she has craved for so long is finally made real, and Kensi rejoices in this new day made real. If this isn't heaven, then it is the nearest you can hope to achieve on earth, she thinks and wishes it would never end.

Kensi cannot recall a time when she felt so loved, so safe or so content. It is worth it, she realises. All these months, all that anguish – it has all been worth it, because now she has this moment. And perhaps the waiting achieved something, because last night was incredible, with all the pent-up longing finally being unleashed like a whirlwind, so that they were both completely subsumed in the moment. Nobody has ever made love to her like Deeks. And now, just lying here as day starts to break, she feels serene and fulfilled, as if this was always meant to be; as if her whole life has merely been a prelude to this one moment in time. As she watches him sleep, Deeks wrinkles his nose briefly, and Kensi smiles, knowing that sign, and knowing that he too is happy. She could lie here forever, in Deeks' arms and looking at him and never grow bored.

So, if this was it – if this is the one night they were destined to spend together, at least it was a great night, a night of miracles that saw their bodies fitting seamlessly together, moving as one, pulling each other up and chasing towards release, then falling back breathlessly, only to begin over again. Such great heights they reached together, proving to Kensi that their partnership is real and tangible, that they are meant to be together. It was definitely been a night to remember and she will never forget it. Already the memory is encased in a crystalline shell that will protect it, keep it pure and safe and just as perfect as the night itself was.

And yet Kensi cannot shake a lingering feeling of sadness as she acknowledges that one night is never going to be enough. She feels that this should only be the prelude to much greater things and is conscious that they have only just begun to truly know one another. There is so much to discover, so many things to do together, were there but time enough. Overriding this is the inescapable fact that Kensi knows she is not ready to give Deeks up. This should be the beginning, not the end. There has to be more – because she needs more. She wants to shatter the protective casing she has erected around last night, to destroy it in order to build upon their union, to once more experience what joy truly is and rediscover how two people can become one entity, in both body and soul.

"If I knew then what I know now, then I would have jumped on you the first day we met," Kensi whispers to the silent room. She could have had so much more: more time with Deeks and more time to love him and be loved in return. Why has she wasted all these months?

"I always knew you were stuck on me," Deeks mumbles sleepily, opening one eye and then smiling at the sight of Kensi lying sprawled across his body.

This just feels so right, he thinks. It feels like it was always meant to be. Deeks wants another thousand mornings like this, and then another thousand on top of that and so on until the last syllable of recorded time. This should be the beginning of something great, not the end. Last night was incredible, but it has left him hungry for more. One night with Kensi can never be enough when what he needs is a lifetime with her. He doesn't want it to end like this. No, that's wrong. It is completely and utterly wrong. Deeks doesn't want it to ever end.

Kensi makes a mental note to punch both Sam and Callen for telling tales out of class. "I was not. Well, maybe I was smitten. Just a little bit. What about you?"

"What about me?" He rolls over and looks her quizzically, loving the way the early morning seeping in through the curtains highlights her skin, looking into her eyes and thinking that he can see tomorrow in their depths. Or is he just dreaming? It seems like a dream, because reality has never been this great.

"What did you think? When we first met, I mean." Kensi knows what she thinks right now: that this is the way she loves him best: sleep-rumpled in the early morning, his lean body looking good enough to eat and that light of mischief in his eyes, as if he is planning something – or is that just wishful thinking on her part? Kensi lets her fingers tangle briefly in his hair before running them slowly down his bicep and watches in satisfaction as Deeks hitches in his breath before he gathers his composure.

"I thought you were incredibly hot," he admits, with total honesty. Every moment of that encounter is as fresh and sharp as if it is just a blink away. The past is so close, just dancing tantalisingly out of reach. He can never forget the way Kensi looked that day, far less the way she looked at him. "I still do. And I also think my shirt looked a whole lot better on you last night than it ever did on me." Deeks reaches down, finds the offending garment and waves it in the air. "Did you miss me that much that you wanted to keep it?"

"You knew?" Kensi is laughing with him, knowing she has been rumbled and not minding one bit.

"I spotted you were wearing it the moment I walked in here last night. Along with the fact you weren't wearing a bra." Like he wouldn't notice something like that. And how incredible is it that now Kensi was lying here beside him, not wearing anything at all? It is hard to believe this is real, that he is actually in bed with Kensi, and after a night filled with passion as well. Today is a good day, Deeks thinks. Today is very possibly the best day ever. Today feels like it is the start of something… or is he reading too much into things? They are lying here, joking around, as if last night never happened. But it did. They crossed a line last night, and no matter what talk there was of one night only, things can never be the same. There is no going back, it is impossible to rewind time and take back all those words gasped out in delirious passion. And Deeks doesn't want it to end. Not like this. Not now and not ever. He wants to hear her cry out his name again, to feel her tighten all around him. He wants to be with her, because he can't imagine life without Kensi.

"I'd just got out of bed," Kensi protests. "And I wasn't exactly thinking straight." Deeks has this effect on her, she realises. It's hard to concentrate on anything when Deeks is lying naked beside her, the sheet pulled low on his hips. All she can think of is the all-pervading thought that she just needs him now – and forever.

Deeks realises that this means Kensi was wearing his shirt in bed, and wonders if that means what he thinks it might – or if he is just reading too much into something that means nothing. Only he can't stop hoping. Is there a chance that they might be on the threshold of something greater? Or was last night a "once and forever" occasion? He hopes this is just the begining, hopes with every fibre of his being, because he's not ready to give Kensi up yet. He wants to hold onto this moment forever - and yet he also wants to go forward, to build on it - to maybe even build a future together. In an instant Deeks has a moment of total clarity - he has everything he's ever wanted right here and just within his grasp. All he has to do is just to reach out to her.

"And here you are – back in bed. With me." Only this time she isn't wearing anything at all, and if Kensi looked great in his t-shirt, she looks a thousand times better in nothing at all. He moves a little closer, so that their bodies are touching from shoulders to hips and feels the instinctive way Kensi moves so that once again they are interlocking and she is covering him with her body – her perfect body, so strong and supple and yet so soft and welcoming.

"Here I am," she agrees. "And here you are."

Their eyes meet and mutual understanding sparks unspoken between them as Kensi and Deeks discover that they are once more in complete agreement and know exactly what they want. They are right here, exactly where they belong and there is no longer anything between them, except understanding. There are no alternatives any more, no choices – just the overwhelming need to be together and to stay together. Kensi reaches out a hand that still wears a golden wedding band and watches as it glistens in the early morning sun before letting her fingers caress his face, while the other hands roves downward, leaving a trail of anticipation in its wake. Just the slightest touch of her fingers is enough to rouse him again.

"Here we are," Deeks says happily. As far as he is concerned, they can stay here forever. "Exactly where we're meant to be." He's thankful it's the weekend and they can spend all day in bed.

What started off as a chance encounter in a gym has turned into something much more. Their partnership has grown and developed into something much richer, infinitely deeper and more meaningful. A one-night stand is never going to be enough. The world is not enough – but Deeks thinks this a good place to start, right here in this bed. All the rest will fall into place somehow.

* * *

"What are we going to do tomorrow?" Kensi asks later on that afternoon. She can finally allow herself to consider the possibilities of the future, now that she knows that future will definitely include Deeks.

Deeks just shakes his head in response. "Don't ask that. Let's just say that tomorrow never comes. But we do have today, and the day after, and the day after that. And we can do anything we want. So we're sure to work something out, at some point." There is no point in worrying about things, because he wants to savour each moment as it comes.

"You really don't care, do you?" Kensi wonders why he isn't taking this more seriously. They can't stay here forever, tempting as the prospect is. At some point real life will have to resume, and she needs to know what is going to happen.

"On the contrary. I care. I care a lot. Want me to show you how much?"

"Yes please." It was impossible for Kensi to say anything else, given the things his fingers are doing to her body and the way the way she is reacting to his touch. All other thoughts are driven away, washed clean by his love. "I just need you now," she adds breathlessly.

Deeks buries his face in her hair and starts to kiss her neck, unerringly finding the spot that makes Kensi shoot half-way to the stars. "I need you forever."

With that statement he says all that Kensi needs to know. She feels the same sense of relief that a lost sailor experiences when a harbour light shines out in the darkness to guide him home, because now she knows that nothing else matters, as long as you travel not only with hope, but with a soul-mate. Finally, after standing still for so long, she is going forward – and she is going forward with Deeks into a future they will build together. And in the meantime, they have an ocean of experiences to explore: infinite and deep; ebbing and flowing and pulling them along. Sometimes you have to trust in a higher power, throw caution to the winds and just go where the tides take you, knowing that far above the stars continue in their timeless pattern, having seen empires rise and empires fall, knowing all the while that only love endures forever and can never be tarnished, neither by time nor by tide.

* * *

So it's complicated, Kensi thinks, once her mind is finally to work properly once again and process coherent thoughts. She lies back and stares up at the ceiling, vaguely comprehending that the sky outside is darkening. "Complicated is good," she declares firmly.

Deeks shoots her a confused look. "Did I miss something back there?"

"Oh no, not a single thing. I think you've been very thorough." She has never been loved like this, not ever.

"Are you sure?" He trails his fingers slowly down her leg and Kensi feels her body starting to tingle with anticipation. "I don't think I've kissed you right here." He bends his head and proceeds to remedy the situation. "Or here."

"I do love a man who pays attention to detail."

"Kensi?" The teasing note is entirely absent from Deeks' voice. "It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay. You do know that, don't you?"

He wants to take things slowly, so that they can get to know one another properly, and to be able to explore every nuance of one another: mind, body and soul. Deeks wants to live in the present, because the present is so damned perfect it feels like he's high on life. He refuses to admit any impediments, because as long as they are together, then they can beat the world.

Kensi feels that her entire body is suffused with happiness. They are no longer two individuals, but part of a greater whole. Nothing can spoil this, she realises. Together they are golden and no-one can touch them, far less tear them apart. At last Kensi has discovered the power to change her life and she will take that knowledge and go forward, with Deeks at her side. Together they can do anything.

"I know," she replies, and conviction colours each syllable. "We're going to be just fine."

She believes that wholeheartedly. There are nno barriers any longer and all that once lay between them has vanished. On the contrary, everything lies ahead, just beckoning them onward into tomorrow. Together they can climb mountains – if they want to. They can climb so high that the stars will fall down around their feet, just waiting to be gathered up and strung into garlands of bright light. But right now she is perfectly content just to let Deeks take her to heights she has never even dreamt could exist. Such great heights… Kensi realises she has everything she needs right here, because she has Deeks. It is as simple as that. All they have to do now is to hold on to the love they are making and let it weave around them in an invisible chain, binding them together for eternity. Nothing else could ever matter quite as much as simply being together at last. All the rest is just a series of inconsequential details, and they have their whole lives stretching out ahead, full of infinite promises. They have a lifetime to spend together, and their journey together is only beginning. Anything can happen – anything is possible, because in this crazy, confused world they have fought through the turmoil to find the one thing that really matters and which can last forever.

Never doubt that one night can make a difference, or that it can change your whole world completely and bring you out of the shadows into the full brilliant light of day. This day is almost at an end and the sun is starting to sink down towards the se,a so that the room is full of long evening shadows as two people find their universe has just expanded and that there are no horizons anymore, just a world of infinite promise. At last Kensi and Deeks know that anything is possible, just as long as they hold onto their dreams, have the courage to listen to their hearts and, most of all to always remember that tonever let go of the one you love. And with that knowledge, the world can be anything they want it to be: bright, golden and true and moreover, they can live like heroes.

**THE END**

* * *

_because we all need to able to dream sometimes._


End file.
